Report: You The Only One Who Really Knows What Happened To Jeffrey Epstein

YOUR LOCATION—Confirming that everyone else had gotten it totally wrong, experts issued a report Monday indicating…

Trump nominates Guy Fieri as Chairman of Joint Chefs

FLAVORTOWN — President Donald Trump officially nominated Guy Fieri to fill the new post of Chairman…

USAF changes name to ‘US As F*ck’

USAF changes name to ‘US As F*ck’ WASHINGTON — After 71 years, the U.S. Air Force…

USA drohen mit Truppenabzug: Deutsche reagieren mit kollektivem Winken (US threatens to withdraw troops: Germans react with collective waving)

https://www.der-postillon.com/2019/08/usa-truppenabzug.html Freitag, 9. August 2019 Berlin (dpo) – Well then, it’s good! In response to the…

America’s wealthy perverts unsure which of them actually staged Epstein suicide

https://www.thebeaverton.com/2019/08/americas-wealthy-perverts-unsure-which-of-them-actually-staged-epstein-suicide/ NEW YORK — Following the death of jailed multimillionaire financier and accused sex trafficker Jeffrey…

Mormons Launch Sacred Underwear Store ‘Brigham’s Secret’

https://babylonbee.com/news/mormons-launch-sacred-underwear-store-brighams-secret SALT LAKE CITY, UT—A specialty underwear shop targeting Mormons has opened in Salt Lake City’s…

Trump Rewards Himself For Great Job This Week With ‘World’s Best President’ Mug From White House Gift Shop

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-rewards-himself-for-great-job-this-week-with-1-president-mug-from-white-house-gift-shop WASHINGTON, D.C.—After a tough week dealing with several national crises, meeting with victims, and just…

Snopes Strikes Deal With Netflix To Provide On-Screen Fact Checks Of Fictional Shows, Movies

https://babylonbee.com/news/snopes-strikes-deal-with-netflix-to-provide-on-screen-fact-checks-of-fictional-movies U.S.—Snopes has reached a multi-million-dollar deal with Netflix to provide on-screen fact checks of all…

Bentley Rebuilt a 1939 Corniche Lost in World War II

https://jalopnik.com/bentley-rebuilt-a-1939-corniche-lost-in-world-war-ii-1837129394 A lot of automakers are looking back to their iconic models, offering the moneyed classes…

Victoria’s Secret Accused Of Promoting Unattainable Beauty Standards With New 3-Cup Bra

https://www.theonion.com/victoria-s-secret-accused-of-promoting-unattainable-bea-1837095021 NEW YORK—Panning the new line of intimates as “overtly harmful to women’s self-esteem,” critics unanimously…

Trump Boys Counter Chinese Currency Manipulation By Adding Extra Zeros To $20 Bills

https://politics.theonion.com/trump-boys-counter-chinese-currency-manipulation-by-add-1837104335 WASHINGTON—Struggling to use their best penmanship as they wielded the king-size Sharpie permanent markers, the…

‘Sorry About The Tornado Or Whatever,’ Says Trump Wolfing Down Bowl Of Chili While Consoling El Paso Shooting Victim

https://politics.theonion.com/sorry-about-the-tornado-or-whatever-says-trump-wolfi-1837074904 EL PASO, TX—Expressing sincere condolences for the tornado or whatever it was, President Donald Trump…