Alabama Supreme Court set to decide constitutionality of pulling out

The Supreme Court of Alabama ruled in a groundbreaking decision that embryos are “extrauterinal children” and plans to next decide the Constitutionality of “pulling out,” sources confirmed.

“This is just the beginning in an important line of cases. We’ve got a major constitutional question on our hands,” said Chief Justice Tom Parker. “‘Pulling out’ prevents life. Now, like an embryo, does that beefy load have rights? We need to interrogate this and come to a decision on whether or not cream pies are the only way Alabamans should be having sexual intercourse. And, if so, who’s to say eggs aren’t life? They’re one of the two main ingredients. Which begs the question? Is menstruation murder? Legal minds should confer.”

Alabama citizens took to the streets to display feelings about the ruling with many displaying protest signs, while others vocalized their support.

“The only one who regulates me is God. So I’m not one for the government interfering in the personal lives of others unless it’s clearly what God wants. And if the government is carrying out what my religion wants then I ain’t got a problem with it,” said Prattville resident Billy Ray Hunter. “This doesn’t affect me much anyway, my wife died when a mule kicked her in the belly back in ‘06. I never found the time to remarry, besides, the doctor said my Mountain Dew habit killed most my swimmers anyway, so I ain’t worried anyhow.”

Legal scholars and law professors weighed in on the future of Alabama sexual fluid law.

“This decision does carry significant weight,” said Law Professor Patty Grant, “We’ve seen sort of a slippery slope argument being made with the legality of future IVF treatment facilities, and that’ll be furthered if the ejaculation evacuation is effectively outlawed. We might soon live in a state where male masturbation is outlawed. We may see a day when semen is considered ‘extra-testicular children.’ This is just a small glimpse of what the future could hold.”

At press time, Alabama’s most Googled search term became “can you get pregnant in hot tub.”