Author: Primus Pilus (Løki)

https://local.theonion.com/catholic-priest-stuck-in-remote-backwater-town-thinking-1839652152 YELLOW SPRINGS, OH—In an attempt to extricate himself from the moribund lifestyle of his rural…

Hero dog declines White House invitation

FORT BRAGG, N.C. — The Trump administration announced this week Conan, the hero canine of the…

Trump Loses Christians’ Support After Failing To Properly Execute Sidehug

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-loses-evangelical-support-after-botching-sidehug WASHINGTON, D.C.—Christians’ support for President Trump has remained steadfast, despite one rocky patch when Trump…

Christians Face Clear Choice Between Party That’s A Hypocritical Mockery Of Their Faith And One That’s Openly Hostile To It

https://babylonbee.com/news/christians-face-clear-choice-between-party-thats-a-hypocritical-mockery-of-their-faith-versus-one-thats-openly-hostile-to-it U.S.—Christians voting their conscience have quite a choice this Election Day with the two major…

‘Oh Jesus, Now What?’ Says Exhausted Trump Turning On News To See What Bullshit Thing President Did Today

https://politics.theonion.com/oh-jesus-now-what-says-exhausted-trump-turning-on-n-1839478742 WASHINGTON—Bemoaning the never-ending stream of news about the current occupant of the Oval Office, an…

Trump Awards Medal Of Bravery To Chewbacca For Heroic Deeds During Battle Of Yavin

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-gives-chewbacca-long-awaited-medal-for-heroic-acts-in-battle-of-yavin WASHINGTON, D.C.—Trump has awarded galactic hero Chewbacca his long-awaited Medal of Bravery for his performance in…

Media Scrambles To Fact-Check Image Of Trump Riding Hero Dog Into Massive Space Battle

https://babylonbee.com/news/picture-of-trump-riding-hero-dog-into-space-battle-against-alien-fleet-prompts-flurry-of-fact-checks U.S.—Trump recently shared a meme that showed him riding the “Hero Dog” into a space…

A trans woman’s coworkers terrorized her & vandalized the workplace. Her boss fired her.

ModerateMind

Diane Roberts, a transgender woman in Albuquerque, New Mexico, is suing her former employer, ABF Freight…

Trump Claims He Personally Pushed Al-Baghdadi Off Nakatomi Plaza

2019-10-29

https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-claims-he-personally-pushed-al-baghdadi-off-nakatomi-plaza WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press conference about the death of Abu Bakr Al-Baghdadi, President Trump claimed…

Conservatives Successfully Conserve Massive Deficits

2019-10-29

https://babylonbee.com/news/conservatives-successfully-conserve-massive-deficits WASHINGTON, D.C.—Conservatives in Congress proudly announced Monday they have achieved their goal of conserving massive…