WASHINGTON, D.C. – After claiming that UV light and injecting disinfectant might cure the novel coronavirus,…
Tag: The Beaverton
“We need to open up the economy and get back to work,” says COVID-19
FLORIDA – Thousands of protestors took to the streets in the United States this past weekend to…
Trump ensures America’s stimulus checks will bounce by writing his name on them
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a rare display of business acumen, Donald Trump is saving the United States approximately $290…
Secret government lab where coronavirus was created going to have serious talk with staff about this
LOCATION CLASSIFIED – The top secret government laboratory located in LOCATION REDACTED where the novel coronavirus was first concocted has…
Governments anxiously await modelling to predict when they can resume cutting health budgets
Governments from across Canada and around the world have been anxiously awaiting predictive modelling that will…
Government attempts to stop coronavirus by outlawing communal worship of deity who created virus
The government of Canada is officially ordering all Canadians to do their part to stop the…
Man accused of sexual assault to win 2020 presidency
Following today’s announcement from Bernie Sanders’ campaign that the Vermont senator will no longer be seeking…
Nation’s hamsters shockingly indifferent to global pandemic
In a surprising display that no one could have predicted, pet hamsters across Canada have shown…
Staples releases limited edition homosexual agendas
Sales have skyrocketed for Staples Business Depot after the release of a limited-edition homosexual agenda. “I…
Local man eyes 2010 Fun-Run t-shirt as potential toilet paper substitute
With only two rolls remaining and the grocery stores empty, local pipe fitter Trevor Bilton has…
Missing: Anti-Vaxxers
Amidst the spread of COVID-19, regularly vocal anti-vaxxers are largely missing from the global conversation surrounding the pandemic. “It’s…
Man on week-long social media break wonders why no one is at this awesome buffet
Jeremy Philips, a health and wellness expert in Toronto, has celebrated a week-long social media break…